This is part one of a three-part series on how to practice Tantra.
Have you ever had a heart-wrenching breakup? Ever wondered why someone couldn’t treat you the way you wanted? Maybe you felt tormented when someone betrayed your trust. Most of us know how hurtful failed relationships can be. The pain may last for months, years, even a lifetime. We often suffer and experience anxiety due to relationship conflicts. Other causes of stress could be from tension at home, stress in the workplace, loss of job or loss of money and possessions. The list goes on. By learning how to practice tantra, we may better handle or even eliminate these struggles altogether.
So, how do we make sense of failed relationships? Is it possible to avoid hurtful experiences? According to Tantra teachings, the root of all suffering isn’t actually in any of our negative experiences. The fault is in our minds. It’s in our belief system – we mistakenly perceive those experiences as the source of our happiness.
The root of all problems: difficulties in communication and relationships, neurotic fantasies, expectations, frustrations, doubts and so on, is the mind that clings to pleasure.
The mind that clings to pleasure causes us to keep grasping for the love and approval of others, the attainment of wealth, prestige or material possessions. We attached too strongly and so we pursue them feverishly. Tantra offers an alternative view that may help us eliminate unnecessary pain.
What is Tantra?
The aim of Tantra is to cultivate love, compassion and wisdom so that we may eliminate suffering and reach our full potential. In learning how to practice Tantra, we have to understand its three basic principles:
- Renunciation
- Bodhicitta
- Cultivation of the correct view
We will unpack and simplify these principles one at a time in this three-part blog series, based on the teachings of Lama Yeshe, a Tibetan Buddhist teacher.
Who is Lama Yeshe?
Lama means spiritual teacher in Tibetan Buddhism. Thubten Yeshe devoted his entire life in the service of others. He was born in 1935 and was only six when he joined a monastery in Lhasa, Tibet to study the sutra path to Buddhahood. While in the monastery, he received training in meditation and tantric initiations and discourse. He also studied the Six Yogas of Naropa.
Lama Yeshe gave talks around the world. His teachings centered on the unlimited potential of our minds and the value of serving others. In 1982, the Dalai Lama visited Lama Yeshe. He passed away in 1984 due to heart failure.
Renunciation: Giving up Worldly Pleasures
As mentioned earlier, the three basic principles are:
- Renunciation
- Bodhicitta
- Cultivation of the correct view
For this Part 1 of 3 series on how to practice tantra, we will discuss the first principle: renunciation.
Renunciation is a difficult concept. It’s even harder to practice in real life. It means giving up attachment to sensory pleasures. Lama Yeshe says that “by overcoming our attachment to ordinary pleasure we open the way to the joy of inner liberation, liberation of suffering.”
We can avoid suffering if we loosen attachment to sensory pleasures. Think of your favorite food dishes, your most cherished places, your well-prized possessions, even the people you love the most – if you gain happiness from these things, then that is the root of your problems. This is because these things are temporary and worldly. Your favorite things and people may be here today but not tomorrow. Their absence will then cause you to suffer.
The solution to suffering is relinquishment. To be fully happy, we must relinquish attachment to our favorite pleasures. Luckily, we do not have to physically give up the things we love, we just have to change the way we think about them. Break free of our strong attachment to them. Stop chasing. Practice “inward detachment.”
It’s relieving to know that we can still experience happiness and pleasure, after all, that’s the whole point of living. We can enjoy all worldly pleasures but with the easiness and understanding that everything comes and goes. This way, we know that it is okay whether “we have” or “do not have.” We enjoy but we do not cling.
To sum it up, renunciation means we must learn to experience worldly pleasures with an inward detachment. In other words, without clinging or grasping, or not holding too tight.
Hopefully, this is not the first time you’ve heard of this principle. Christians may already be familiar with this concept.
Connections to Christianity: What does Jesus say?
Matthew 6:19-21
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
The bible verse above tells us not to cling to worldly pleasures because the real treasures are in “heaven.” It goes on to say that “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” So if the real treasure is in heaven and if this treasure resides in the heart also, then is heaven the same as heart? It seems to be.
Your treasure is in your heart. Heart is synonymous with love. In short – heaven, heart, or love is the deeper, lasting source of contentment we may be looking for. Furthermore, heart is a part of us, it’s within us already. It is internal, not external.
Here is another interesting bible verse:
Luke 14:33
So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.
Here, Jesus is saying you cannot be his disciple unless you renounce all that you have – your possessions, relationships, everything! To follow Jesus, you must renounce. Buddhism teaches the same. You must renounce to follow the path of Buddha.
What does Science say?
A research study published in the National Academy of Sciences was conducted to investigate the subjective happiness and well-being of 18,420 participants. They found that happiness was explained as an emotional reactivity to rewards and expectations.
“It is often said that you will be happier if your expectations are lower,” Dr. Robb Rutledge, the senior research associate at University College London (UCL) who led the study, said in a statement. “We find that there is some truth to this: Lower expectations make it more likely that an outcome will exceed those expectations and have a positive impact on happiness.”
Happiness Equation Solved: Lower Your Expectations, Keith Wagstaff
An article from Psychology Today, “Let Go, Be Happy” emphasizes that the desire to control is a major issue in unhappiness. William Berry, a psychotherapist who specializes in eastern philosophy, says that our attempt to inappropriately control events makes us miserable.
The way to happiness is through non-attachment, letting go of expectations, being in the present, not making judgments, and simply accepting life as it presents itself.
William Berry, LMHC., CAP., Psychology Today
It seems theology and psychology can agree that happiness and suffering are more so derived internally rather than externally. Faith demands renunciation. Happiness requires letting go of control and expectations.
Let Go of Expectations
You’ve surely experienced hurt because someone behaved in a way that you didn’t like. According to Lama Yeshe, it is not this person’s fault that you were disappointed. The pain came from having an expectation to begin with. Remember, you have to generate your own pleasures or joy from within, not from people or material objects. This liberates you from being under the control of others.
This doesn’t mean you have to tolerate anything or anyone. It doesn’t mean you have to stop appreciating or loving those around you. It only means that you do not cling. You remain as unaffected as you can handle when things go south. Not in a passive or resentful way but in a way of acceptance.
This means, the people you love can make mistakes and you love them anyway. You may encourage, help or inspire but you truly cannot expect change from anyone. Do focus on the one thing you can control – yourself.
Loosen up
The first Tantra principle of renunciation teaches us that satisfaction comes from inner simplicity. Being detached means being simple, taking a more easygoing approach to our lives.
Lama Yeshe reminds us to “Loosen your grip, be more relaxed. Don’t hold on to what you have. It does not mean give up pleasure. We should aim for the highest pleasure possible. Ordinary pleasures are less than full self-realization. Do not be uptight, be more at ease. Unpleasant circumstances does not bother us so much. Our sights are set on a higher plane.”
How to Use Renunciation for Lovemaking
The three basic tantra principles also covers tantra sex. As some of you may be more familiar or interested with the sexual aspect of Tantra, this is definitely a topic worth discussing. As you begin to start making love to your partner, remember to practice acceptance and completely let go of any expectations or goals you may have of yourself and of your partner. Just enjoy the ride, so to speak. We will go more in depth on this in a separate blog post!
Key Points to Remember
- Tantra aims to cultivate love, compassion and wisdom.
- The first Tantra principle is renunciation.
- Renunciation means let go of expectations.
- Letting go of expectations will increase your happiness.
Coming up! How to Practice Tantra Part 2 and 3
So, what do you make of all this? Doesn’t it sound like something you already know, inherently? Do you agree or disagree? All the heartaches, pain and disappointment from your past were simply caused by unmet expectations, something no other person is responsible for, but you. If it feels right for you, try letting go of all expectations and see what happens.
Watch out for upcoming posts on Part 2 and Part 3 of How to Practice Tantra. Until next time!